Attack on Pageantry
by Spherically Adept
Summary: Levi is a gay dance student unfairly coerced into a soft-core porn show disguised as a swimsuit pageant. Who knew the biggest threat to his abdominal supremacy would be a girl? Crack.
1. Chapter 1

"Fuck no Hanji."

"Levi please." Hanji begged, fisting both hands in Levi's shirt and dragging his face closer so that he couldn't avoid her pleading gaze. He jabbed two fingers against her forehead to prevent their heads from knocking together.

"Acting cute doesn't work when you're a psychomanic bitch. I absolutely refuse to partake in this shitty excuse for soft-core porn show of yours. In fact, I think I'm going to be sick just thinking about it." Levi shook off his hyperactive colleague with practiced ease and straightened his collar, "besides, aren't swimsuit contests generally meant for people more tits?"

Hanji rolled her eyes, "Come on Levi, you're a gay man getting a graduate degree in dance at a liberal arts university where half the students put 'other' as their sexual orientation; social conformity looks bad on you. And the school's making this event co-ed for the sake of equality or something like that."

"Equality in what? Objectification? Forget it. I'm not fucking doing it." Levi turned to walk away; an exercise in futility. Hanji Zoe was his oldest (and some would argue, only) friend because in his 20 some years of life, she had been the only person persistent enough to rub herself against the cheese grater that was Levi's personality until he relented and let her in. That admirable persistence had led Hanji to make many a breakthrough in her short career as a student researcher, winning her much esteem from the scientific community. Unfortunately, it also made her an eternal pain in the ass for Levi.

"Leviiiiiii," the female scientist whined as she latched onto his arm, holding him in place, "don't be so insecure. All you have to do is walk out, flex, and come back. You may be shorter than most women but you're a total babe. You'll win best abs at least."

"That's hardly the issue—"

"Then loosen up and have some fun! Come on, I'll do anything you want. I'll write your dissertation; I'll buy you a year's supply of cleaning supplies; I'll make you the world's most amazing sex toy; just do this for me—" Hanji stumbled as Levi finally managed to yank his arm from her superhuman grip.

The dancer cringed at the hopelessly wrinkled state of his sleeve, "No means no. I've made my decision and that is final." He turned and once again tried to walk away.

Hanji pouted. If begging and bribing didn't work, then it was time to skip over the big guns and reach for the nukes. She wasn't called a genius for nothing. "Well, Levi, I don't know how to tell you this but I've already signed you up for the contest, and I've given _Petra_ those Vegas photos from last summer. You're due on stage in two hours, give or take, and I will drag you up there myself if I have to."

Exercise. In. Futility. Levi took a furious breath and turned back to deliver the most withering glare he could manage. Most grown men would have pissed their pants and ran for the nearest international border when confronted with that glare, but Hanji just crossed her arms and stood her ground. "You wouldn't dare." He grit out as menacingly as possible.

"I'm sure your fans would love to see the way you humped that sphinx statue at the Luxor hotel, don't you think?"

Levi turned away as his usually expressionless face contorted in a downright snarl.

Hanji's smile turned wicked. The prey was cornered; time to go in for the kill. "Oh, and did I mention? Professor Erwin's going to be on the judges' panel." She broke out a shit eating grin as Levi's tense frame deflated like a punctured balloon. "And I'm sure he'll have a much harder time saying no once he sees what he's missin—."

"Shut the fuck up. I'll do it." Levi gave one more halfhearted glare, "I want my first gallon of bleach in three days and you'll pay for my drinks when we go binging after this."

The short man sounded so defeated Hanji almost felt bad for him. Almost. Not at all. She cackled to convey her sympathy. "Of course babe, now let's get you cleaned up and ready to go."

An hour and a half later found Levi in what he could only describe as a pair of black spandex panties. He was pretty sure a "swim suit" like this could only be dredged up from the seediest corner of eBay. It disturbed him that sweet, darling Petra just happened to have a pair on hand—in his size. If he actually gave a shit about other people and their worthless opinions, he'd be embarrassed to be out in public right then. Good thing he didn't give a damn.

"Stand still would you?" Petra scolded as she brushed eye shadow into the crevices of Levi's county-famous eight pack, "I'm trying to make you look fabulous here."

Levi suppressed a shiver as Petra's brush hit a particularly ticklish chunk of rock hard abdominal. "Do you really have to do this? I mean, I'm pretty goddamn sure none of the undergrad pussies competing today can put up a better show than me."

Normally, Petra was the sort of nice girl that would just huff at his arrogant statements and then go back to what she was doing instead of reprimanding him. Today, however, Petra's brush froze mid-stroke. "Oh, I wouldn't be so sure about that."

Levi felt taken aback. Never in his life had anyone dared to question the supremacy of his abs. "What do you mean?"

Petra glanced around furtively before dropping her voice to a whisper, "Well, there's this chick, Mikasa Ackerman." She jabbed Levi with her brush when he let out an unbelieving scoff, "She's a freshman, undergrad, and rumor has it that her body is simply inhuman."

"Uh-huh. Keep going."

"Well, I heard that she once threw her brother across the dining hall. Literally one end to the other. Using only one hand." Petra's eyes gleamed as she relayed the gossip, "And she was at that big pool party the university throws at the beginning of the year. Witnesses say she jumped in the water and sank like a brick. No buoyancy at all." She faked a shudder and pressed her hand over her heart. "Of course I can't guarantee that she's cut like a canyon but I'd bet good money on it."

"Is that so." Levi straightened up, confidence slightly shaken, "Get to work then."

While Petra continued to paint his torso fifty shades of buff, Levi surveyed the other contestants in the backstage area. There were plenty of hot chicks and hot guys—many of whom were unabashedly staring back—but he didn't see anyone that fit the description of a human egg carton. Whatever. If this Mikasa lived up to her reputation then she'd be impossible to miss once she stepped out on stage.

After Petra ran off, Levi was left to his thoughts for all of three seconds before a pair of fairly nice pectorals blocked his view of the room. He let his eyes lazily drift over the kid who was both incredibly brave and incredibly stupid to approach the resident 5'3 terror of the university. Levi gave an internal shrug. The kid wasn't Erwin but he wasn't too bad; a 7.5 if he was being generous. He was pretty convinced the kid was secretly a fish though, because they'd been staring at each other for a full minute now and those green eyes had not blinked once.

"You got something to say to me brat? Or are you just going to stand there and enjoy the view?" That seemed to snap the kid out of his hormonal daze.

"I'm Eren Jaeger." The kid, Eren, declared.

"I didn't ask." Levi replied.

"I think you're hot."

"Most people do."

"Wanna make a magic sandwich with me?"

"What. The. Actual. Fuck?"

Eren didn't even blush. "Yeah, you know. Bump uglies, a bit of the ol' in and out."

Levi felt his eyebrow rising against his will. "Are you the brat that got thrown across the room by his ogre sister?"

Eren nodded.

"Figures."

Thankfully, Hanji saved them both from further embarrassment by announcing the official start of the competition. Some shitty pop song with a loud bass started playing through the large speakers and the show began.


	2. Chapter 2

Levi watched in boredom as, one after the other, the air head students sashayed out onto the stage, pausing in the center to pose or flex or shimmy their jiggly bits. The crowd was an enthusiastic mix of every possible gender and at least 95% drunk. They had also come armed with an arsenal of dollar bills and small change. It was easy to see which of the contestants were popular and which were not simply by eyeballing how much money was thrown their way. Levi ignored the majority of the contestants in favor of staring at the judge's table. Erwin was better to look at than a meat parade any day.

Since the contestants were going out in alphabetical order of first name, Levi was set to go after some scrawny brat named Jean.

"Right Levi, you ready?" Hanji whispered in his ear after Jean exited the opposite side of the stage.

"As I'll ever be, bitch." He replied.

"That's my boy. Now give us a good show." She smirked before giving him a loving pat on the ass and announcing his name.

Now Levi was no exhibitionist, but he was a dance major and he'd been to enough gay clubs to know what he had to do. Besides, he glanced appreciatively at his favorite blond judge, he had someone to impress today.

The crowd fairly exploded when he cat walked out to center stage and started _moving_. Since his audience wasn't very intelligent (or sober), Levi stuck to the standard party pleasers. Hip gyrations were always a crowd favorite, and he made sure to exaggerate them so that the curved swell of his ass looked like a small beach ball tethered to his backside by the sinuous cords of muscles on his back. Following those were the sensuous rolls the started in his chest and rippled through his entire body. Levi took special care to make sure the judge's table got a clear view of the way his movements crinkled and stretched the seams of his washboard abs. Each roll, each twist, each thrust fit the beat of the obnoxious music as snug as Tetris tiles, and the dancer rotated slowly throughout so that every glorious inch of him got the attention it deserved. There was so much money in the air, it looked like confetti. He was pleased to note that by the end of his short dance, Erwin was looking less like an academic professional and more like he was having an aneurism.

Levi walked off stage content about a job well done. It was a pity that his glory was short lived, though, because as soon as he stepped off the stage, Mikasa was announced.

The Asian girl stepped into the light wearing a bikini for suited for running a marathon than for swimming. In one hand, she held an apple. Levi cursed under his breath; Mikasa truly lived up to her reputation. The cut of her core muscles put most male body builders to shame and her breasts looked solid enough to crush rocks. Mikasa walked to center stage, apathetically surveyed the audience and crushed the apple in her fist without any visible effort. The crowd went dead silent; then proceeded to throw money at her out of sheer intimidation. Levi felt dazed.

The awards ceremony was more amusing than the majority of the show itself had been. Jean had been named third runner up, which he had been totally fine with until Eren was named second runner up. To nobody's surprise, Eren had laughed in Jean's face and Jean had punched him in retaliation. Within seconds, a betting pool was being established with whatever money the crowd still had. Unfortunately, the brawl was cut short when Annie (the first runner up) seized both boys by the neck and bodily threw them off the stage.

Levi was not the least bit astonished when, after things settled down some, he was called onto stage… along with Mikasa.

"Ladies and gentlemen!" Hanji proclaimed as she waved a cheap plastic—was that chess?—trophy over her head. "This is the moment we've all been waiting for." She paused to let the audience cheer. "As you can probably understand, however, the judges had a bit of a dilemma selecting the champion of today's competition."

Levi felt utterly betrayed.

"Oh the one hand," the female announcer gestured grandly at Levi, "we have our Super Sexy Stripper, Levi!"

Levi felt a stab of annoyance at the retarded title but held his tongue in favor of letting his fans chant his name.

"On the other hand," Hanji shushed the crowd and turned towards Mikasa, "we have the Beauty Who Is Also A Beast, Mikasa! Now," she turned back towards the crowd, excitement plastered all over her face, "should we settle this dispute with a boring diplomatic compromise or should we let these two duke it out for the title? Huh? What do you say guys!"

Levi resisted the urge to shake Hanji by the throat while the crowd shouted _Duke it out! _Hanji cackled again. "Levi, Mikasa, the people have spoken. Time to get your guns on! Work those muscles, you lovely beef cakes, flex!"

The two finalists turned to stare at each other, both at a loss as to what they were actually supposed to do. Levi felt the world slow down as he stared into Mikasa's soul less eyes. It felt like one of those cliché, existential crisis moments in movies where the picture would be shown in slow motion while the main character delivered an internal monologue on the fucked up nature of life. All Levi had ever made were rational, thought out decisions. Yet here he was, standing in his panties in front of a howling herd of drunk college students (and his future boyfriend), gazing into a yawning chasm of Asian indifference. Levi wasn't one for divine instruction, but this was a clear sign that he needed to murder all his friends and start over. If Erwin hadn't been watching with rapt interest, the short dancer would be in his favorite bar by now, drinking away the day's shame. But as life would have it, Erwin was so excited he was practically displaying emotion and Levi just couldn't disappoint him now.

Thankfully, Mikasa decided to make the first move. She was rather tall for a girl and Levi was rather short for a man so he had a pretty good view of her chest when she flexed and _tore her sports bra with her rock-crushing boobs. _Peals of cheers shook the stage as Mikasa turned to show off her concrete cleavage. She waved like a beauty queen. Levi had never been gladder that he was gay.

After the dancer got over his shock, he set about to thinking of a way to top Mikasa's act. Bra-tearing was a hard feat to beat but he was not one to be outdone. It didn't take too long to think of something. If strength was the order of the day, he had a few tricks up his metaphorical sleeve that could make Mikasa's closet malfunction look like child's play. Backing up a step, Levi squeezed his butt cheeks in preparation and flipped into a perfect handstand. He ignored the oohs and ahhs of appreciation and slowly brought one hand up to his side. He then folded three fingers until his entire body was supported on the tiny stand made by the knuckle of his forefinger and his thumb. The few wolf whistles he'd collected when he first went upside down had now grown into full blown applause. The roaring cheers came when Levi began doing pushups. That's right, fucking handstand pushups on two fucking fingers. Levi gave a smirk only Mikasa could see. Sure she had the brawn, but she lacked experience and elegance when it came to working a crowd.

Levi let his legs fall apart into perfect splits and then completed his flip. He looked expectantly at Hanji. And he did not like the look on her face.

"Now wasn't that exciting!" Hanji exclaimed into her microphone, "But I'm sure you all agree with me when I say that there was no definitive winner that round."

The crowd yelled their agreement. Both Levi and Mikasa felt a vein pop.

"I propose we settle this with a more definitive contest." Hanji cajoled, oblivious to the murderous intent brewing behind her.

Again, her suggestion was greeted with vehement approval.

The female scientist glowed with glee, "Bring up a table then because we're going to have us some good old –fashioned arm wrestling!"

Normally, Levi wouldn't have had a problem with a chance to show off his physical supremacy but he wasn't actually sure he could win against the human titan that was Mikasa Ackerman. She had nothing to lose if she lost but his reputation as the strongest, most terrifying creature on campus would be gutted if he lost. Levi grabbed Hanji's wrist hard enough to bruise and dragged her close. "This isn't what I signed up for Hanji. No, fuck that. I didn't fucking sign up for any of this shit so would you kindly explain to me why you're forcing this fuckshow into overtime you crazy bitch?"

"Levi, Levi, Levi. If you're going to cuss me out, at least be more creative with the insults. I'm starting to feel like you don't respect me." Hanji winked, "just play along with this. I won't let you look bad when you're trying to woo your mate. I promise."

The table and two chairs arrived before Levi could strangle a less enigmatic answer out of his friend. Mikasa took her seat without prompting and Levi mirrored her for the sake of his pride. At Hanji's instruction, they clasped hands and waited for the suspenseful countdown to hit zero.

"I swear to god Hanji, I will poison all your lab mice if you ever make me do that again." Levi slumped forward onto the bar counter, clutching his clothes to himself as if thankful they were there.

"Stop—" Hanji hiccupped, "being so dramatic. You won didn't you? And you got a date with your blond heartthrob to boot. You should be buying me lab mice to thank me."

The short man stared into his shot glass. He'd already well past tipsy and the room was starting to spin in an unhealthy way. He should really stop drinking if he wanted to get out of bed the next morning. He threw the shot back in one gulp anyways. Fuck waking up, he was going to wring Hanji's wallet if that was the only way he could get revenge.

"How did you know about that…that thing anyways?" Levi laid his head down and pressed his cheek into the nice cool wood.

"That thing?" Another hiccup, "You mean Mikasa's built in berserk button? It's pretty much common knowledge." Hanji let her head slump back, "God bless Petra's sweet soul for being brave enough to press it."

Levi nodded in agreement from his place on the bar and let his eyes slip shut. Petra had indeed been very brave for climbing into Eren's lap where Mikasa could see her. Levi had already gained a significant advantage by the time Petra had caused her ruckus so the momentary distraction had spelled Mikasa's doom. He did feel a tad guilty though. Hanji may have been the one to put Petra up to it still felt like his fault that she was now missing her front teeth. He'll buy her new teeth to thank her. Hanji hailed another round of scotch. It had been a really fucked up day.


End file.
